I still love you
by Discordia Design
Summary: Agent Washington hasn't been just David in years, but that doesn't mean he's Doctor Church either. "When you come back you will not be you. And I may not be I." - E.M. Forster
1. i - I still love you

Disclaimer: I own nothing of the Red vs Blue series.

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"Some people fall in love over and over again while some people can only do it once." - Ann Brashares

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I love you, he thought.

Once, twice. He repeated the thought in his head a third time, felt the raw edges of emotion - nostalgia, melancholy, bittersweet fondness. The kind of regret you only get from missing the chance to say something meaningful in the end.

I still love you, he thought.

It lingered.

Washington waited by the grave a little longer, the unfamiliar weight of Earth's gravity rooting him in the place. There was no armour to hide him. He's never been more self-conscious of his body language than right now, thoughts that aren't his calling out to a dead woman.

 **Allison T. Church nee Grace**

That explained the fuck out of her name assignment in Project Freelancer. It also explained the fuck out of Carolina - " _Gabriel is such a pretty name, you know?" "Well, it's actually a girls name for starters." "Oh, fuck off, Church is a pretty weird name for a guy." "I have to give you that one."_ \- and her obsession with the leader board back in the day.

The sun weaved through the tree canopy, streaks of orange and pink touching the dark sky. A quiet morning on earth, alone.

His heart ached and his head hurt. The grass was green and Agent Washington (davidDavidLeonarddavidEp-) stood in the graveyard of fallen soldiers from the Great War, wondering what happens after you've loved and lost someone else's grief.

 **Allison T. Church nee Grace**

I love you, he thought.

Every confession tasted like blood, iron, rust. Chemicals and metal. He did not breathe any easier.

I still love you, he thought.

He remembers the sharp scent of antiseptics and white walls, the medical ward, the burn of neural implants in the back of his neck. A woman in army camouflage with blonde hair laughing at him, promising she'd be right back.

She didn't come back.

She never came back.


	2. ii - that doesn't bother him

Disclaimer: Property not mine.

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"Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything." - C.S. Lewis

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Washington wakes up looking for his wedding ring. He isn't married. He doesn't have a wife. He was never a doctor in the war. Allison never died-

Allison is dead.

Allison never came back.

Allison is dead.

That doesn't bother him.

Agent Texas is dead, several times over.

Private Donut.

The ship crash.

The E.M.P.

The Meta.

Tex never came back.

Allison is dead.

That doesn't bother him.

Agent Washington gives up looking for his wedding ring when Carolina starts yelling at the Reds and Blues for not properly cleaning up from the previous night.

Their temporary shelter is split down the middle, invisible Red vs Blue lines drawn. They're also outlined in color coordinated crayons courtesy of Caboose and Simmons.

Agent Texas (AllisonAllisonTex-) is dead and that doesn't bother him. Washington exchanged barely more than a few words with her back in the Project. Her fate is none of his concern.

He's heard the stories from the Reds and Blues, before Carolina showed up with Greek fire in her eyes and any mention of their fellow agent was an active minefield. It still is a minefield sometimes, when the mornings are dark and he can tell from her eyes that she's looking somewhere else.

He can tell she sees someone else when she looks at him, his younger self stuck in her mind.

She reminds him of himself when she looks like that, but that's a lie. Washington doesn't have green eyes. Washington doesn't spend hours in the early light chasing the dead.

Church only remembers Allison the most vividly in the afternoon when the sunlight is slanted, pale shadows rising behind hills and buildings. Allison is usually there, hair tied back underneath a baseball cap, gearing up for her next mission.

She wore her wedding ring on a chain necklace in place of dog tags.


	3. iii - everything was beautiful

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

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"I have no need for a world without you in it." - Claudia Gray

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Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.

Everything was burned to ashes and cracked concrete foundations. There was no nerves left in his body that could process feelings, physical or otherwise. There was only shock, apathy, disconnection, dissociation.

The muted grief on his tongue tasted like a broken promise. He swallowed blood with every breath.

Hazy grey smoke curled in the air, starlight dripped from the gas giant above in blue and green droplets on the alien planet.

Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.

"It's over."

"It's been over for awhile," Wash had the distinct feeling he and Carolina weren't talking about the same thing. He didn't bother asking what she thought was over.

A lot of things were over.

Those things did not include the overlapped images of their current crash landing and the site of a war zone he's never been to in his head. He shook off his vertigo, ignored the blood smear on the inside of his helmet.

He glanced back at their broken spacecraft, the few surviving crew members running back and forth trying to save what supplies they could. The Reds and Blues were already discreetly (blatantly) trying to fix a jeep not too far away.

For a moment all he can see is a deadman's zone, human bodies cold and unmoving, pale yellow sunlight frozen in the air. The buildings behind him are cracking apart and still burning. Allison stepped in front of him, cap missing and hair singed on one side-

Carolina stepped in front of him, helmet off to roughly tie her hair back into her customary ponytail from where it came out during the crash. She barks out something to the closest mildly important looking crew member and marches off to take charge of the chaos, Epsilon talking about probabilities and schematics. Washington can only stare.

He staggers his way back to the Reds and Blues, Sarge yelling at Donut to try to start the jeep again.


End file.
